Archive Series: There Is Never One of Anyone

There is never one of anyone

-Cat’s Eye, Margaret Atwood

the archive series are things I wrote a long time but never published. I have too many notebooks and was throwing some away when I can across these gems. It was nice to see how I wrote years ago. It’s like getting re-introduced to myself. I also edited the quote a bit.

When I was younger I loved avocadoes, zucchini and okra. Now the only way that I can take avocado is in a facial or a sandwich. I recently tried to eat it alone and no amount of sugar would make it go down. Zucchini I don’t mind but I no longer have that ardent admiration for it I once had and okra…well actually I’ve been experimenting with it in different recipes and been growing to love it again. Ironically years ago I also hated broccoli and cauliflower but now their my staple food. When these preferences changed I don’t know. In fact, I often find that I do not know myself.
Perhaps that’s why it angers when someone assumes that they know through the encounters they have with me. Ridiculous. I am with me and have been with me all my life even before birth and I barely know myself. How can one purport to know me then? What’s even more frustrating is when people say “You haven’t changed,”. My mind has changed. My emotions. My everything. And now that I’m really seeking a relationship with Gd, my closeness to Gd has changed. G*d is the only one that does not change.
I guess it’s easy to get fixated on an image one has of another person. Often people form images of others without seeing reality but their perspective. It’s easier to see an iota of a person and imagine the rest than to actually open our eyes and face the fear of someone being multi-dimensional. It takes away a sense of control one has over the things in their life when they acknowledge they can’t predict a person.
But there is never one of anyone. There are sides of me that have yet to be unlocked. There are sides of me that are rapidly changing. There are sides of me that are seizing to exist. There are sides that are starting to exist. I’m a juxtaposition of opposing and harmonizing personalities.
So I can never know myself. I might know bits and pieces, but it’s like a dime light in a vast arena. They may come a day when I see everything clearly. But I won’t force it. I’m okay not knowing myself and others. That way I can begin to know someone truly instead of images I’ve conjured up.
With that realization has come another, that I know nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. No matter how much knowledge I’ll gain I know nothing. And for the first time in my life, I’m okay with that.

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