Lately, I’ve had very little patience with her. I’m probably at my end after more than a decade of having to put up with her shit. Her constant need to blame others for her failings and think that she is always the innocent victim that everyone picks on. But now I see things all too clearly. She’s just a narcissist. I wish my father would have chosen better.
When he was alive the full extent of her character was somehow rebuffed and he bore the brunt of her tongue and narcissistic habits. When I was younger I initially thought that her bad behavior and cruel tongue as a result of trauma from his death but now realize that she was always like that. From the way she would always insinuate that I was spoilt and was the first to say something negative about me then immediately gaslight me into believing that that never happened. My first abuser was her.
I sit here after a failed attempt to ask for a ride where whatever fuel and resources she’ll have used will be compensated by the place I’m working for I realize that this is the absolute last straw. I’m tired and burned out from the constant cat and dog existence where I’m always the one in the wrong and she’s the “angel”.
And I realize that from a young age I learned to never trust her to take care of her child as a parent should. There’s a reason why every time I have to ask for something from her I feel my chest tense up. Because asking for the smallest things ends up being a war where I’m told all my failings and what a bad child I am and never do anything for her.
Then I remember my father, who was always there for me, he never made me feel like expecting him to do things that parents should do for their children was too much. Otherwise why even have a child if you can’t meet their basic needs and punish them for needing a parent’s support? My father was what a parent is meant to be, she is not.
And that’s why when I leave I’m gone. Filial piety is meant for those that truly love their children not to traumatize them😞.